why women apologise for success and struggle to celebrate their wins

I heard something really interesting yesterday.That research shows that women are more rewarded for modesty and self deprecation.

And it doesn’t really surprise me.

As women we are conditioned to self deprecate and to downplay our greatness in order to appear more agreeable and to form social bonds.I have definitely noticed that the more I point out my flaws, the more people relate to me.

It is called the Pratfall Effect

I totally understand this, that we are looking to connect with people who are human.We are all aware of our flaws and want to bond with people who we feel are like us.

Very human behaviour.

It helps us feel safe and unthreatened.The problem is when it keeps us stuck in our problems.And in a victim mindset.And stops us from making positive changes in our lives.

I might get some hate for this next bit but I see this with support groups…single parent groups, menopause groups, neurodivergence groups (all categories that I fall into) where we can feel so attached to the identity of struggle that making changes almost feels like a betrayal of your social group.

So while I understand it, I also hate it for women that we feel the need to stay small and that subconsciously we prioritise being perceived as a good girl or a poor little victim over making positive changes to our health, happiness and ambition.

I wrote yesterday about that judgement ‘you’ve changed’ which instantly brings up a sense of being rejected by your social group.

And this fear is enough for many women to downplay their goals and retreat to the social norms of playing small.

Another aspect of this is that women anticipate being judged harshly for appearing proud, ambitious or celebrating their successes.

Many women are far more comfortable talking about their struggles than how proud they are of themselves.

We laugh things off or add a disclaimer to our achievements...

‘Oh God, I’m just winging it really’

‘It’s actually so embarrassing’

‘I have no idea what I’m doing really’

LOL

Let’s stop apologising for wanting a beautiful life filled with joy and vitality and own our successes.

I would love to see more women bonding over how strong, healthy and successful we are becoming.Growth should not cost us belonging.

Have you ever found yourself downplaying achievements or making yourself smaller to avoid making others uncomfortable.

Let me know.I would love to know your thoughts on it